Tuesday, November 22, 2011

It's not about me anymore

It's been about 7 or 8 months since I had my last seizure.  It was different from what I usually have.  Usually I have no sense of anything about to go awry, I will simply come to, usually with someone (Hubby, paramedic) standing over me.  I'm also usually pretty emotional when they tell me.  I don't have much memory after I come around, as in I don't know my name, Hubby's, if paramedics are there they always ask what day of the week it is, not only do I not know what day it is, I can't think of any of the days.  If nothing else, it is a surreal, out of body experience.

About 7 or 8 months ago I had my last seizure.  This was completely different.  My girlfriend was coming over real quick for just a few minutes and I was running around.  I remember at the time thinking that things didn't feel quite right and I realized I hadn't taken my medication the night before.  Not understanding what the feeling was, I went downstairs and as I walked across the floor I had my seizure, falling down and smacking my head on the garbage can.  The last thing I remember was walking down the first half of the staircase and the next I was attempting to open my medicine bottle.  I wasn't able to open the darn child safe bottle and I wasn't able to focus on the bottle to see which one I had.  I looked over at Sunshine and she was staring at me with wide eyes.  I asked her if I fell down and she nodded.  I asked her if our neighbor had come over and she nodded.  I asked her why she didn't answer the door when she rang the bell and my poor baby broke down sobbing that she just wanted me to get up.  I sat on the floor for the longest time and just held her.   I told her that the medicine that she always sees me take is what keeps me safe and that I had forgotten to take it.  She asked and I answered all sorts of questions and we talked (again) about calling 911.

This was a pretty traumatic moment for her but I hadn't realized how much she held onto it on a regular, daily basis.

Today I saw one of Hubby's vitamins on the countertop that he had taken out but forgotten to take.  I picked it up and put it away and said something along the lines of "oops, Daddy forgot to take his vitamin."  She asked why he had to take them and I said he takes them just like she did only his are bigger and are for adults.  She asked what would happen if he didn't take them and I of course said that nothing would happen, it's just a vitamin but she shouldn't take any vitamins unless I give them to her.  She asked one more question then, she asked "If he doesn't take it, will he fall down?"

It broke my heart.  I hate that I caused her to see something so many people never will or want to see.  I have asked others who have seen my seizures and they aren't exactly G rated.  My poor Sunshine, some memories we wish they would remember and some memories we pray they will forget.


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